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Stalinist oranges


  And oranges! There's a big war, don't you know, but there's this sort of internal war gong on - between the big, old fashioned oranges, big, fuckoff, kind of eeerrrhk! Stalinist, big, fuckoff eeerrrhk! kind of oranges, and this new baby Satsuma, Minneola, kumquat, MG brrrmmm, Satsuman kind of - swisch! Big fat war on that, because ... to eat a Satsuma ... it's a piece of piss, you just go swisch! - mmm-mmm...And you break off these one by one, don't you? And you've got so much of it. And if there's people in the room, you go [offering a piece]:
- Go on, go on!
It's like a very cheap round, isn't it:
- Go on, Satsuma for everyone!
And if you're the other person in the room, you go:
- No, no ... Well, all right then ... Thank you very much.
Yeah. So Satsumas are great, eating's a piece of piss.
But you can't do that with an orange. You go:
- You want a bit of orange? I've got ... fucking 'ell [hammering] ... can't fucking ... hell ...
'Cause inside an orange ... It's like the film "Das Boot" in there! With Jürgen Prochnov going:
- Don't let zem get into ze orrange! It's mozt imporrtant! Orr the juize will get out, and it'll be no good! They'rre brreaking in wiz fingerrz, depth charrgez! Let ze peel come off only in zmall chunkz! [peeling] Shit! Jesus Christ! They'rre brreaking in! Push all the pipz into bitz they wouldn't expect, that'll do! [pushing pips around]
'Cause it is! There's no chance of someone eating an orange, going:
- Hey! [choking due to a pip] You're very nice ...
There's not a chance of someone who speaks like that anyway. So oranges can fuck off, that's what I say!

Eddie Izzard: Definite article (1995)

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